WRITING STRONG WOMEN

Thoughts and commentary on being a strong woman—what it takes, and how we get there

Why Timing is Everything

Why?

I’ve learned that timing is often dependent on how intently I’m listening.

~Jim Hogg

whyLikely you have heard the saying, Timing is Everything. I remember once, many years ago, when my oldest grandson, Michael, and his uncle, Jon (my next oldest son) were traveling in our car with us. Where we headed and why, I cannot recall. However, my grandson had been getting in trouble with his step-dad for taking issues of importance too lightly in an attempt to be funny. As good uncles do, Jon made the statement “One thing I’ve learned, Michael, and that is that timing is everything.” Which indeed it is.

However, in a recent conversation between my oldest son, Jim, and me, he bumped that statement up a notch when he said, “I’ve learned that timing is often dependent on how intently I’m listening.”

Really adds a whole other element to listening and timing. Sometimes we listen without really hearing what is going on between ourselves and another person. Adding another element to listening and hearing, contemplate this: Don’t listen to what a person says,  listen rather to why they are saying it.

When we do that, we separate out what is about us, and what is about the other person. We each talk in code, repeating what we’ve been taught is correct, or true, or right.

When I challenge myself to understand the other person, where they are coming from, what their values are, and why they say what they do, I can better listen to why they say it.

Often, that why has little to do with me, and so much more to do with them.

Listening is important. Timing is important. Why we say and what we do is important. Why the other person says what they do is equally important. Therewith comes understanding.

Why timing is everything, so is listening

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Defeat

What it is. What it isn’t.

What is defeat and when might a woman experience it?defeat

Defeat is not the same thing as not doing something correctly. Defeat occurs when, in the midst of a difficult task, we give up, not on the situation, but on ourselves. We quit trying.

The opposite of defeat is success. We succeed when we win the battle over ourselves. When we persist in the pursuit of our dreams, no matter the obstacles, we are winners in life, for we have won over our weaknesses.

Or until we learn to not say no.

A woman with a novel in first draft once said to me, “I’m afraid to keep going with this, trying to get published, because I fear I will fail.”

My reply? “We only fail when we stop trying to accomplish our goal. You won’t fail if you don’t let yourself. When discouragement comes,  you pick yourself up and keep working at it until you carry out your goal. That’s the only way any of us will ever be successful.”

I didn’t always follow that advice. For many years, I was a quitter. There are many projects I would start, get discourage, and stop. Only many years later would I learn the secret of success–don’t stop!

How about you? What works for you that helps you carry out you goals? How do you handle rejection or the fear of defeat?

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The Price Women Pay to be Loved

price women pay to be lovedIt continues to amaze me,  the price women pay to be loved.

Why is it that so many women have difficulty saying NO to their family and friends, thinking they must be all things to all people–the same women who resent people taking advantage of them, yet swallow those feelings and let people continue doing it?

I offer that it is the price women pay to be loved. Some women, that is.

One example is a 74 year-old woman I know who allows her daughter-in-law to dump the four-year-old child with the grandmother to babysit without any consideration to the older woman’s age and lack of energy it takes to care for the child. She shares with friends how difficult this is, but says she just can’t tell them no. That is a huge price–risking even her own health. Again, the price women pay to be loved.

This is not a situation where the family can’t afford daycare. They just choose to save that money to spend on other things they want. The older mother/mother-in-law resents being taken advantage of, and is no longer up to the rigorous physical effort it takes to care for a child that age. Yet she will not stand in her own power and tell the daughter-in-law NO. She doesn’t want to offend, or to ‘hurt her feelings’ or make her mad, or… could it be–stop loving her? If that is what it takes–abuse–to be loved, I’ll take doing without it.

The result of such actions is not that they stop loving us, but rather the abusers learn to no longer respect us. They choose rather to use us.

I must admit, in the past, I was guilty of such co-dependent behavior. But not anymore. Not since I discovered who I was, what I stood for, and what I wouldn’t stand for.

Since I discovered that I couldn’t even begin to know who I was, to define myself, what I believe and what I don’t believe, if I don’t practice giving firm no’s, when no is what my gut feels.

I believe that we must first learn how to give firm no’s before we can truly give the resounding yes.

When we can give a firm no, we are on the road to knowing who we are. We learn this as a child, then over time it gets ‘unlearned’ out of us. Maybe this is a bigger issue for women than it is for men. If this is something you have not learned to do–to give firm no’s–then I challenge you today to practice doing so.

Identify and draw your boundaries. Don’t allow others–friends or family–to use you. Don’t pay that price of being used and abused.

How about you? Do you find yourself allowing your family or friends to use you, when what you really want to say is no? Is this easy or difficult for you to do, and if so, how long, and what did you do to get to where you are today?

Check out Streets and Deep Holes for guidance in learning to make better choices.

The price women pay to be loved is too high a price to pay–and doesn’t result in anyone loving us amy more than they already do anyway.

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Another Famous Women Quotes

With the upcoming primary elections, I think it is a good time to reflect on another of our Famous Women Quotes. Remember this when you go to the polls!

There never will be complete equality until women themselves help to make laws and elect lawmakers.

~~Susan B. Anthony, women’s activistFamous Women Quotes

Yes, we’ve made progress, but these days, it seems like there is a conspiracy to take much of that progress away. My message to women everywhere is to remember the sacrifices many women have made that resulted in much of the gains we have today.  For if we don’t remember those gains, and fight for them, we and our daughters are likely to be paying the same price again.

Another Famous Women Quotes: You are invited to add your own to our Comment section.

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Streets and Deep Holes

Streets and Deep HolesEver stop to think about all the wrong streets you walk down and all the deep holes and cracks you fall into? Then, do you scratch and claw your way out, all while blaming someone else for your choice of streets and subsequent potholes?

Streets and deep holes, in this instance, is metaphor of  the choices we make that repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Often, these choices follow the same destructive patterns we have made throughout a lifetime.

When you get right down to it, our lives are full of lessons and wondrous opportunities to learn them. Free beings that we are (if, indeed, that’s true) we choose to walk down the same streets we’ve traveled before, and often fall into the same/similar holes. When we do so, we have another opportunity to learn that lesson again. We can choose to learn it now, or we can wait until the same lesson comes around again (and it will, I guarantee you!) giving us another opportunity to learn to make different/better choices.

I don’t know about you, but over the years, I walked down the same pothole-filled streets many times, and yes, been given another opportunity to learn the lessons I came into this world to learn–lessons about streets and deep holes. (i.e. relationships that aren’t good for me, jobs I don’t enjoy, overcommitment of my time, social groups or churches I don’t care to participate in, overly needy friends that ‘drink my blood.’

In time, I learned that these streets and deeps holes are there to teach me the same lessons, but each time I learn them at an even deeper level, until finally, I get it!

If I refrain from blaming others and take a deeper look inside, I recognize these are the same streets and deep holes (read:lessons) I’ve traveled and now I can decide not to spend all the energy it takes to avoid the potholes, but rather to choose a different street!

What about you? What streets and deep holes have you walked down over and over again, and over and over again gotten caught in the same lessons you thought you’d learned (but evidently hadn’t, else you wouldn’t get caught in them again.  What lessons keep coming around for you to learn? What does it take for you to learn them? What does it take for you to not only avoid the potholes, but choose another street to go down?

Streets and Deep Holes don’t have to control our lives!

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Revolutionary Women

Revolutionary woman, Suzanne Adair wrote a comment about her book on my blog and I was so enthralled by it I asked if I could post it as a guest article, rather than as a comment. Enjoy.

revolutionaryAward-winning novelist Suzanne Adair is a Florida native who lives in a two hundred-year-old city at the edge of the North Carolina Piedmont, named for an English explorer who was beheaded. Her suspense and thrillers transport readers to the Southern theater of the Revolutionary War, where she brings historic towns, battles, and people to life. She fuels her creativity with Revolutionary War reenacting and visits to historic sites. When she’s not writing, she enjoys cooking, dancing, and spending time with her family.

<i>The Revolution had little emancipating effect on women who, of course, protected hearth and home and participated in the fight just as much as did the men</i>

The role that women played during the Revolutionary War actually kick-started the emancipation of American women. Here’s the background.

When a man went off to fight for or against the King, he left his business/farm to his women. Women had to do it all, right? Thus in the absence of their menfolk, women ran the businesses and farms, often doing a <i>better</i> job at it than their men. And women did <i>everything</i> that men had done, even the jobs we think of as traditionally masculine; they were printers, blacksmiths, lighthouse keepers, carriage makers, etc.

When men returned from the war, they couldn’t help but notice what women had done inrevolutionary their absence as well as the fact that women were not content to be shoved back into the domestic damsel role. Men who had fought for the cause of independence — men who were responsible for shaping the new country — realized what a great asset women were. They also realized that American women needed to be educated beyond just reading, writing, and ciphering.

The first college for women was established shortly after the Revolutionary War because of this realization. True, the initial agenda was, “Educate women about philosophy, science, and politics so they can become good patriots and nurture the next generation to shun the evils of monarchy.” But Americans didn’t buy that for more than a couple generations. Women continued to gain ground.

Single women kept a certain amount of identity, but when they married, their sense of self was sucked up into the status of the men they married.

Yes, and widows, like unmarried women, held more power than married women. But history is peppered with examples of married women who found ways to circumvent these laws.

Suzanne says “what made me write Camp Follower, several things. First of all, I had an enigmatic exchange in my first book, Paper Woman, between the protagonist, Sophie, and her brother, David, in which she asked him whether he’d ever killed a man before, and he admitted that he dueled with and killed a man over the man’s wife years earlier. In the 21st century, David would be locked away for murder, but this sort of illegal dueling went on well into the 19th century, with men getting away with murder. I wondered what the woman at the center of the duel was like, to have instigated such a violent event. I decided that she and David were still in a relationship, and I wanted to explore how murder had shaped their relationship. That became a sub-plot for Camp Follower.

In addition, I wanted to correct the wrong impression we have of camp followers. When you read the term, you think “prostitute.” But in the 18th century, the people who qualified as camp followers — civilians who traveled with an army but were not directly paid or compensated for it by the army  — might be artisans (ex. blacksmiths), sutlers (ex. merchants), or retainers (ex. family members). Family members followed armies all the time during the Revolutionary War because most cities back then were too small to afford protection from an entire army, and the army was the safest place to be. Prostitutes, in fact, made up only a small percentage of people traveling with an army. Most of the women retainers were wives, sisters, mothers, and daughters of soldiers, and they had a hard, hard life following an army after their menfolk. So I tell their stories in Camp Follower.

Also, I was intrigued by the idea of thrusting a woman journalist into a war correspondent role, even though there were no true war correspondents back then. Women journalists mostly wrote the Society Page in magazines. We have no records of them ever going into battle danger. But what would happen if a woman did find herself in such a position? What kind of woman would she have to be to survive the brutality of a battleground? I also explore this in Camp Follower.

The vast majority of our first-hand accounts from the Revolutionary War are from the point of view of men, mostly soldiers. Women of the time don’t seem to have a voice. But, I thought, if I could give women from that time voices, what would they say about the war? Certainly, it would be different from what men would say, and it most definitely wouldn’t be a romance.”

Revolutionary woman, for sure.

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Another in our

Famous Women

Quotes

Famous Women

Quotes by famous, strong women:

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and will be lost.

~Martha Graham

Famous women quote: Martha Graham (May 11, 1894 – April 1, 1991) did to modern dance what Picaso did for modern art.

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White

Knights & Pink Pigs | knight

knight

Our guest author today is Lindsay Frucii, a recent guest on my Blog Talk Radio program, Writing Strong Women and the author of The Pig & Me-a powerful story of her ‘knight’ and the journey of a very strong woman.

In 1989 when a personal bankruptcy robbed her family of financial security, Lindsay decided the way back to marital and family bliss was to start a business that would make gobs of money. Out of the mantra “there must be something I can do”€ and a passion for fat-laden, fudgy brownies that made it hard to zip her jeans, an idea was born: healthy brownies for the masses. In a leap of faith borne on the wings of innocence and naivete, she founded No Pudge! Foods, Inc., and began an unexpected whopper of a roller coaster ride.

Be warned, this post is a little long, so if you can’t finish it in one sitting, mark it and come back and finish. It is well worth your time.

The fairy tale is an enviable, business success story. The reality is the story of a woman who was raised hearing “You can’t” and found, to her surprise and great satisfaction, she could – and then some.

As a little girl, I always knew exactly what my life would be like when I grew up. After high school I would learn a trade and live at home until my white knight came along. You know, the tall, handsome dude on the white horse. The one who would carry me off to a big house with a white picket fence where I would be his wife and raise our children. His job would be to earn a good living and take care of me because God knows, as a woman, I wouldn’t be able to take care of myself.

When the white knight didn’t come along as planned, I was left feeling insecure and lost. On my 25th birthday, my older sister – who’d married right on cue at twenty-one and had two babies in two years – cheerfully informed me that I was officially an old maid. As I approached my 28th birthday, still single, it suddenly hit me that I was tired of waiting for that damn knight. Suddenly hit me. As in never crossed my mind before.  You know it’s almost embarrassing to write that, but it’s the God’s honest truth. I was twenty-seven and a half years old before I first thought that maybe it was time to stop waiting. Waiting for the damn knight. Waiting for someone to create a home with. Waiting for someone else to make me happy. Waiting to play the role I’d been raised to believe I’d be a failure without.

So I quit my job as a nurse, got an entry-level job in Corporate America, started making a lot more money and damn, didn’t that knight show up. He was driving a Saab Turbo instead of riding a white horse, but he was tall and handsome, had a great job, owned his own house and at 29, was still – incredibly – single.  Boo Yaa!

You’re probably thinking, “She’s a little slow, but at least she finally got it” and assuming that my knight and I married and had little knights (we did). It also makes sense you believe I’d grown enough by then that our marriage was one where we both considered me a strong and equal partner. Ah…. No.

My husband had been raised to view our roles in the same way I had and once our first son was born, we both slipped unknowingly right back into them. It turns out that roles ingrained in you since birth don’t disappear, they simply submerge, waiting to rear their ugly heads at the first sign of weakness.

I adore the role of being a mother. To this day being a mother to my two sons is, without a sliver of doubt, the role that makes me happiest. But the role of unequal wife? Not so much. The lack of equality was not an in-your-face, you-are-the-subservient-wife thing and it was never conscious on either of our parts. It was just the way it was. For me it translated into a frequent sense of discomfort – like the costume I’d been handed was too heavy, too scratchy and too confining. I wore it for fourteen years before rebelling. What can I say? I’m a slow learner…

I was forty-four when I began to tear the costume off. We were going through a difficult financial and emotional time. Not an optimal time for rebellion, but when the voice inside you finally wakes up and screams ENOUGH! – you listen.

I decided I wanted to start a business – telling myself I was doing it to help my husband knightand family financially. But where I saw a golden opportunity, my husband saw a money pit and the harder I pushed, the stronger his resistance. I dug in my heels, telling myself I was going to prove him wrong. But that feeling quickly became an overpowering need to prove to myself that I didn’t have to live the life that others had designed for me. As I began to evolve and grow, my marriage struggled to do the same. The process almost tore us apart, but today our relationship is stronger and happier. We are, in every sense of the word, partners.

I now know that life is too short to be wasted trying to live the life that others expect you to live. That said, I also know the feeling of terror that accompanies the beginning of rebellion and understand all too well how hard it is to break out of a role you feel super-glued into. But we all deserve to live our life. The life that brings joy and freedom and gratitude – not the one that breeds exhaustion and resentment and envy.

It’s a difficult and scary journey, but by taking it a one-small-step-at-a-time it’s far less overwhelming. And if you are stuck, it’s a journey that must be made.

I broke free one tiny step at a time. Moving forward at a slow pace but always moving towards the me I was meant to be. The journey isn’t easy – I’m still on it – but if I can do, so can you.

So you see, readers, white knights can also take the form of pink pigs.

Readers, share your own tale of strength and courage by adding your comment to the post.  Indeed, white knights come in all colors, shapes and odors!

And a special thanks to white knight Jessica Sinn at Chick Lit Cafe  for recommending Lindsay as a guest on Writing Strong Women.

 

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Kitchen Table Wisdom

Actually growing things brings a peculiar satisfaction difficult to replicate in any other activity. Growing a patch of petunias, ditch of daises, or a reverie of roses–turning bare dirt into beauty–fulfills a need most of us have. Having a brown thumb precludes my being of use in the garden, but I find joy in helping human beings grow.

~ Bettye Alexander Cook

Thinking about this today, and the time and energy I spend in helping human beings grow–myself as well as others.

I think we best do that by allowing others to see behind our eyes. To be authentic and congruent–inside and out. To listen, not only to what others say, but to our own internal voice–our intuition. To speak truth to power. To connect with each other. To not miss opportunities for self-growth, and to speak with a kind heart.

kitchen table wisdomAnd amazing book that offers rich lessons, is Kitchen Table Wisdom, by Rachel Naomi Remen. It is available everywhere, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, are your favorite independent bookstore. I sat by the fireplace late at night over the Christmas holidays, soaking in the wisdom in this book. Powerful.

If you want to know what life is about, the wisdom in healing and helping others heal, read this book.

Kitchen Table Wisdom – try it.

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Why I Write Strong

Women

Why I Write Strong Women 

I make no bones about it—I write strong women. The genre may range from a mystery series—like the Sidra Smart mysteries, to the recently released historical fiction called A WAR OF HER OWN. (or my work in progress about Boo Murphy, an old woman folks call the Swamp Whisperer. My main characters are either strong women when they start out, or they get there by the time I’m finished with them.

Sidra Smart is a 50-year-old, recently divorced ministers wife trying to figure out what she’d do with the rest of her life when she inherits a detective agency and she has to figure out how to run the business and stay alive—with the cases she attracts. She’s finding her voice and learning to stand up for herself.

And then there’s A WAR OF HER OWN. Any number of people asks me why I decided to write a book that takes place during WWII. Why a book about wartime? Well, as I said, I write strong women,

As ironic as it is—war has had a liberating effect on women in this country.

Of course women were present in the birthing of our nation—and their tasks most often were running the farms the soldiers left behind—largely thankless jobs—so that the men could go off and fight the wars. Women battled sickness and death, violence, the roar of cannons. The days of fear and excitement were few, and the days of hard work, high prices, drudgery, boredom and loneliness were many.

womenRevolutionary War: The Revolution had little emancipating effect on women who, of course, protected hearth and home and participated in the fight just as much as did the men, yet they even lost some rights in the passage from colonialism to statehood. Such as education and household help. Single women kept a certain amount of identity, but when they married, their sense of self was sucked up into the status of the men they married.

Of course there were women “ahead of their times,” like Abigail Adams, who begged for her husband to remember the women at the Continental Congress—but her voice was ignored to gain other issues deemed more important.

85 years later there was a second and even deadlier war. Women entered the battlefields to care for the sick and dying—women like Clara Barton. This was an age, however, when many people preferred to allow men to die rather than subject the innocence of womanhood to the sight of male bodies. The right to be a nurse was likely the only gain that women obtained from the Civil War despite the tremendous contribution they made to support their side of the war. Tremendous sacrifices were made. They, too suffered the atrocities of war—defending their property and their families—often with little support from others.

The Fifteenth Amendment (Amendment XV) to the United States Constitution prohibits each government in the United States from denying a citizen the right to vote based on that citizen’s “race, color, or previous condition of servitude.” It was ratified on February 3, 1870.

 The right for all citizens to vote, but women were not yet considered citizens.

WWI saw the first timid steps taken during the last months of the Great war to make women a part of the U.S. military itself. Almost 13,000 women enlisted in the Navy and Marine Corps to the same status as men. War had finally accomplished for women what peace and reason had not. People were beginning to relax in 20s. Dresses were shortened and lightened, heavy hair was bobbed. Then the depression hit and women were sent to the end of the employment line where they were told their place was in the home.

DIFFERENCE IN WWII’S IMPACT ON WOMENwomen

Then, the next decade brought another war WWII, and women were coaxed out of the home again. President Roosevelt called for an impossible number of planes and ships and weapons—and women—the last labor reserve—would have to make them.

Of course, at the beginning of the war, the U.S. was still plagued by Depression unemployment: The first defense jobs went to them (men). Then, the next group hired was unemployed and underemployed women—those who had been denied jobs in the 30s and who wanted and needed to work.

By the end of 1942—all of those workers had been absorbed into the work force—still Roosevelt  sent out a cry of a new type—for homemakers/housewives—who either didn’t need a job, or didn’t want one.

And by 1944, the U.S. produced an astounding 120,000.

The government ran a huge campaign to push women into doing jobs previously open only to men. Many of those women answered the call—while carrying on their home duties as well. This was the times when –for example—it took one whole day to do laundry. And folks had to stand in long lines for food.

Shipbuilding is an ancient craft and the men were more reluctant to take on women despite government encouragement to do so. But as they were forced to hire women to do the jobs, production numbers jumped 15 times during those years:

1940: 100,000

1943: 1,500,000

Shipbuilders and their proprietary attitudes gave way to women who were accustomed to multi-tasking.

Of course, after the war was over, women were sent back home in order to make jobs available for the men, returning from the war. But women had gained a glimpse of what they could do, and times began to change at a huge rate as the baby’s born during that period grew into adults. Young women began to ask questions and demand equality at a new rate.

I am a strong woman myself, but I didn’t start out that way. Being born a couple years before the start of WWII, women at that time—women like my mother—were caught between the worlds of a dependent, subservient, passive role of wife and mother. They had finally gained the right to vote twelve years or so before that. But women like my mother voted all right—but she didn’t think for herself. Rather she voted the same as Dad, choosing to not ‘kill his vote.’

WWII allowed—even encouraged—American women to do things that were closed to them before that time. And yes, in the 50s many women resumed their pre-war roles, but the world and people’s thinking had changed.

womenA WAR OF HER OWN is such a story, told through the eyes of one young woman who signifies the lives of many women during those years. It is set in the summer of 1943 in Orange, Texas, a sleepy little town overrun with tens of thousands of new workers. With jobs galore at the wartime shipyards, the workers are rich with cash, eager for excitement, and looking for a good time.

People now had money to burn but with nothing to spend it on.

Bea Meade starts with a strike against her even before she’s born. Now twenty, married and the mother of a four-month old baby, instead of a good night’s sleep, Bea spends her nights feeling alone in a half-empty womb, a womb both a graveyard and a birthing chamber. 

I hope you’ll read my books, and if you do, I hope the women in them will mean something to you, and lead you to be a stronger woman—or man.

 

 

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